SADMEN

When Nasa first started sending up astronauts, they discovered ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, Nasa scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300C. The Russians used a pencil.

A woman and a man driver are involved in a horrific collision, but amazingly both escape completely unhurt - though their cars are written off.
As they crawl out of the wreckage, the man sees the woman is blonde and strikingly beautiful. Then the woman turns to the man and gushes breathily: 'That's incredible - both our cars are demolished but we're fine. It must be a sign from God that we are meant to be together!'
Sensing a promise, the man stammers back, 'Oh yes, I agree with you completely!'
The woman goes on, 'And look, though my car was destroyed, this bottle of wine survived intact, too! It must be another sign. Let's drink to our love!'
'Well, OK!' says the man, going with the moment. She offers him the bottle, so he downs half of it and hands it back.
'Your turn,' says the man.
'No, thanks,' says the woman, 'I think I'll just wait for the police.

"Suicide bombers – what makes them tick?"

"Won't you kiss me, doctor," asks a beautiful woman.
"No, it would be against my code of ethics," says the doctor.
"Please just one kiss," begs the woman.
"It's completely out of the question," he goes on. "I shouldn't even really be having sex with you."

A man goes to the doctor for his wife's test results.
Mr Smith : "I'm here for Mrs Smith's test results." Receptionist : "Oh, I'm sorry Mr Smith, there's been a problem. We have two sets of test results for a Mrs Smith and we don't know which belongs to your wife..... I'm afraid it's bad news or terrible news. One test shows Alzheimer's Disease, the other shows Aids!"
Mr Smith: "That's awful! What should I do?" Receptionist: "The doctor suggests you drop her off in the middle of town. If she finds her way home, don't shag her."

A woman goes for her annual checkup and is told she only has 24 hours to live. She rushed home, explains to her husband and says: "I want to spend my last night having wild, crazy sex."
"Well, that's easy for you to say," her husband replies, "you don't have to get up in the morning."

A woman accompanies her husband to the doctor's office.
After his check-up, the doctor calls the wife into the office alone.
"Your husband is suffering from very severe stress disorder," he says. "If you don't do the following, your husband will die.
"Each morning, fix him a health breakfast. Be pleasant at all times. For lunch, make him a nutritious meal. In the evening, prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores. Don't discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse. No nagging. And most importantly, make love to your husband several times a week. If you can do this for the next ten months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely."
On the way home, the husband asks his wife,
"What did the doctor say?"
"He said you're going to die," She replies.

A man walks into doctor's office.” What seems to be the problem?" asks the doc.
"It's... um... well... I have five penises," replies the man.
"Blimey!" says the doctor, "How do your trousers fit?"
"Like a glove."

There once was a man named Magruder,
Who wooed a nude prude from Bermuda.
The prude said it was rude,
To be wooed in the nude,
But Magruder got ruder and screwed’er

It takes more hot water to make cold water hot than it takes to make hot water cold

They couldn’t pour piss out of a shoe if the instructions were written on the heel. Lyndon B Johnson

Divorce comes from the Latin word divorcerum meaning “having your genitals torn out through your wallet. Robin Williams

If you think nobody cares whether you are alive or dead, try missing a couple of bike payments.

How is it that the first piece of luggage on the airport carrousel never belongs to anybody?

Jogging is for people who aren’t intelligent enough to watch television.

His vibrato sounded like he was driving a tractor over ploughed fields with weights tied to his scrotum. Spike Milligan on opera.

The following are to be spoken in a Tommy Cooper voice (even if there's no one there)

Two Aerials meet on a roof - fall in love - get married.
The ceremony was rubbish but the Reception was Brilliant.

Man goes to the docs, with a strawberry growing out of his head.
Doc says, 'I'll give you some cream to put on it.'

'Doc, I can't stop singing the green green grass of home.'
'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome.'
'Is it common?'
'It's not unusual.'

A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet.
'My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?'
'Well,' says the vet, 'let's have a look at him'
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.
Finally, he says, 'I'm going to have to put him down.'
'What? Because he's cross-eyed? '
'No, because he's really heavy'

'Doctor, I can't pronounce my F's, T's and H's.'
'Well you can't say fairer than that then'

So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said
'Who's speaking please?'
And a voice said 'You are.'

So I rang up my local swimming baths.
I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?'
He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'

So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.'
He said 'I'm not stopping you.'

Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5
people in my family, so it must be one of them.
It's either my mum or my dad.
Or my older brother Colin.
Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu.
But I think it's Colin.

So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up, and he
said 'You've been promoted.'
And I swerved.
And then he rang up a second time and said 'You've been promoted again.'
And I swerved again.
He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.'
And I went into a tree.
And a policeman came up and said
'What happened to you?'
And I said 'I careered off the road.'

Now, most dentists' chairs go up and down, don't they?
The one I was in went back and forwards.
I thought 'This is unusual'.
And the dentist said to me, 'Mr. Cooper, get out of the filing cabinet.'

So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me 'Can you give
me a lift?'
I said 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and
the other was eating fireworks.
They charged one and let the other one off.

You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today.
They left a little note on the windscreen; it said 'Parking Fine.'
So that was nice.

A man walked into the doctors,
The doctor said 'I haven't seen you in a long time'
The man replied, 'I know I've been ill'

A man walked into the doctors,
he said 'I've hurt my arm in several places'
The doctor said, 'well don't go to those places'

I had a ploughman's lunch the other day.
He wasn't very happy.

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I
couldn't find any.

I bought some HP sauce the other day.
It's costing me 6p a month for the next 2 years.

Two blondes walk into a building..........you'd think at least one
of them would have seen it.

Phone answering machine message -
'...If you want to buy marijuana.............press the hash key...'

I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he
couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf.
He said, 'No, the steaks are too high.'

My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli.
A strong currant pulled him in.

A man came round in hospital after a serious accident.
He shouted, 'Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!'
The doctor replied, 'I know you can't, I've cut your arms off'.

I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a mussel.

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly.
They lit a fire in the craft. It sank, proving once and for all that
you can't have your kayak and heat it.

Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small
two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery.
Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and
expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night

Bono, the lead singer of U2 is known all over the world for being a little more than just a little self rightous!
At a recent concert in Glasgow, Scotland he asked the audience for total quiet.
Then in the silence he started to slowly clap his hands, once every few seconds. Holding the audience in total silence he said into the microphone "Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies."
From the front of the crowd a voice with a broad Scottish accent pierced the silence....
"Well fucking stop doing it then, ya evil bastard!"

A man went into an urologist and told him he was having a problem,
as he was unable to get his manhood erect.

The doctor checked him out then told him that the muscles around the
base of the organ were damaged from a previous viral infection and there
was nothing he could actually do for him. However, he knew of an
experimental treatment that might work, if he is willing to take the risk. The
treatment consisted of planting muscle tissues from an elephants trunk into his 'old
fella'.

The man thought about it for a while. The thought of having to go through
life without sex was too much for him to bear. So, with the assurance
that there would be no cruelty to the elephant, the man decided to go for
it.

A few weeks after the operation, he was given the green light to go and
try out his newly renovated equipment.

As a result he planned a romantic evening with his girlfriend and took
her to one of the nicest restaurants in town. In the middle of dinner he
felt a strong stirring in his loins that continued to the point of being
extremely painful.. To release the pressure he unzipped his fly and his
knob sprang out, slid across the top of the table, grabbed a bread roll
and returned to his trousers.

His girlfriend was stunned at first, but then with a sly grin on her face
said, 'That was incredible! can you do that again?'

With tears in his eyes he replied, 'I think I can, but I am not sure if
another bread roll will fit up my arse'

No word in the English language rhymes with
month , orange, silver, or purple.

' Dreamt' is the only English word that ends in the letters 'mt'.
(Are you doubting this?)

Our eyes are always the same size from birth,
but our nose and ears never stop growing.

The sentence: 'The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog'
uses every letter of the alphabet.
(Now, you KNOW you're going to try this out for accuracy, right?)

The words 'racecar,' 'kayak' and 'level' are the same whether they are read left to right or right to left (palindromes).
(Yep, I knew you were going to 'do' this one.)

There are only four words in the English language which end in 'dous': tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous.
(You're not possibly doubting this, are you ?)

There are two words in the English language that have all five vowels in order: 'abstemious' and 'facetious.'
(Yes, admit it, you are going to say, a e i o u)

TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters only on one row of the keyboard.
(All you typists are going to test this out)

A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.

A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds

A 'jiffy' is an actual unit of time for 1/10 second.

A shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes.

A snail can sleep for three years.
(I know some people that could do this too.!)

Almonds are a member of the peach family.

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

Babies are born without kneecaps. They don't appear until the child reaches 2 to 6 years of age.

February 1865 is the only month in recorded history not to have a full moon.

In the last 4,000 years, no new animals have been domesticated.

If the population of China walked past you, 8 abreast, the line would never end because of the rate of reproduction..

Leonardo Da Vinci invented the scissors

Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated.

The cruise liner, QE 2, moves only six inches for each gallon of diesel that it burns.

The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a radar tube and a chocolate bar melted in his pocket.
(Good thing he did that..)

The winter of 1932 was so cold that Niagara Falls froze completely solid .
There are more chickens than people in the world.

Winston Churchill was born in a ladies' room during a dance

How To Shower Like a Woman
Take off clothes and place them sectioned in laundry
basket according to lights and darks.
Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown.
If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to do more sit-ups/leg-lifts, etc.
Get in the shower.
Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.
Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.
Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.
Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced.
Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red.
Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa
cake body wash.
Rinse conditioner off hair.
Shave armpits and legs.
Turn off shower.
Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower.
Spray mould spots with Tile cleaner.
Get out of shower.
Dry with towel the size of a small country.
Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.
Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel
on head.
If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
How To Shower Like a Man
Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed
and leave them in a pile.
Walk naked to the bathroom.
If you see wife along the way, shake willy at her
making the 'woo-woo' sound.
Look at your manly physique in the mirror.
Admire the size of your willy and scratch your bum.
Get in the shower.
Wash your face.
Wash your armpits.
Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse
them off.
Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.
Spend majority of time washing privates and
surrounding area.
Wash your bum, leaving those coarse bum hairs stuck on
the soap.
Wash your hair.
Make a Shampoo Mohawk..
Wee.
Rinse off and get out of shower.
Partially dry off.
Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was
hanging out of bath the whole time.
Admire willy size in mirror again.
Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and
fan on..
Return to bedroom with towel around waist.
If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake willy at her
and make the 'woo-woo' sound again.
Throw wet towel on bed.

The scene is Bishoploch Primary School, Glasgow.
Teacher: 'Good morning children, today is Thursday, so we're going to have a general knowledge quiz. The pupil who gets the answer right can have Friday and Monday off and not come back to school until Tuesday.'
Wee Murray thinks, 'Ya beauty! I'm pure dead brilliant at general knowledge, so I am. This is goannae be a doddle!'
Teacher: ' Right class, who can tell me who said. ' Don't ask what our country can do for you, but what you can do for your country?'
Wee Murray shoots up his hand, waving furiously in the air.
Teacher looking round picks Farqhuar Fauntleroy at the front. 'Yes, Farqhuar?'
Farqhuar (in a very English accent): ' Yes miss, the answer is J F Kennedy - inauguration speech 1960.'
Teacher: 'Very good Farqhuar. You may stay off Friday and Monday and we will see you back in class on Tuesday.'
The next Thursday comes around, and Wee Murray is even more determined.
Teacher: 'Who said 'We will fight them on the beaches, we will fight them in the air, we will fight them at sea. But we will never surrender?'
Wee Murray 's hand shoots up, arm stiff as a board, shouting 'I know, I know. Pick me Miss, pick me Miss'.
Teacher looking round and picks Tarquin Smythe, sitting at the front: 'Yes Tarquin.'
Tarquin (in a very, very posh English accent): 'Yes miss, the answer is Winston Churchill, 1941 Battle of Britain speech.'
Teacher: 'Very good Tarquin, you may stay off Friday and Monday and come back to class on Tuesday.'
The following Thursday comes around and Wee Murray is hyper; he's been studying encyclopaedias all week and he's ready for anything that comes. He's coiled in his chair, dribbling in anticipation.
Teacher: 'Who said 'One small step for man, one giant leap for mankind?'
Wee Murray 's arm shoots straight in the air, he's standing on his seat, jumping up and down screaming 'Pick me miss. Pick me miss. I know, I know. Me Miss, me miss, meeeeee'.
Teacher looking round the class picks Rupert, sitting at the front.
'Yes, Rupert?' Rupert (in a frightfully, frightfully, ever so plummy English accent): 'Miss, that was Neil Armstrong, 1969, the first moon landing.'
Teacher: 'Very good Rupert. You may stay off Friday and Monday and come back into class on Tuesday.'
Wee Murray loses the plot altogether, tips his desk and throws his chair at the wall. He starts screaming: 'WHERE THE FUCK DID ALL THESE ENGLISH BASTARDS COME FROM?'
Teacher spins back round from the blackboard and shouts: 'Who said that?'
Wee Murray grabs his coat and bag and heads for the door, 'Robert the Bruce, Bannockburn , 1314. See ye on Tuesday Miss!

Ponder on these imponderables for a minute:

1. If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times,
does he become disoriented?

2. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from
Holland called Holes?

3. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

4. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

5. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

6. Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

7. When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?

8. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who
drives a racing car not called a racist?

9. Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?

10. Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?

11. Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?

12. 'I am' is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language.
Could it be that 'I do' is the longest sentence?

13. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow
that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged,
models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?

14. What hair colour do they put on the driver' licences of bald men?

15. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little
spoons and forks so I wondered if Chinese mothers use toothpicks?

16. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What
are we supposed to do, write to them?

Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the
postmen can look for them while they deliver the post?

17. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

18. No one ever says, 'It's only a game' when their team is winning.

19. Ever wonder about those people who spend two pound a piece on those
little bottles of Evian water?

Try spelling Evian backwards:

20. Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing
section in a swimming pool?

22. If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhoea, does that mean that 1
enjoys it?

23. Why if you send something by road it is called a shipment, but when
you send it by sea it is called cargo?

24. If a convenience store is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365
days a year, why are there locks on the door?

YOU MAY BE A MEMBER OF THE TALIBAN

You may be a Taliban if......

1. You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to beer.

2. You own a $3,000 machine gun and $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can't afford shoes.

3. You have more wives than teeth.

4. You wipe your butt with your bare left hand, but consider bacon "unclean."

5. You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.

6. You can't think of anyone you haven't declared Jihad against.

7. You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry explosives in your clothing.

8. You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs.

9. You have nothing against women and think every man should own at least two.

10. You've always had a crush on your neighbor's goat.!!!!!!.

A 7 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom.

'You know what?' says the 7 year old, 'I think it's about time we started swearing.'

The 4 year old nods his head in approval, so the 7 year old says, 'When we
go downstairs for breakfast I'm gonna swear first, then you swear after me, ok?'

'Ok' the 4 year old, agrees with enthusiasm.

The mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 7 year old what he wants for

breakfast.

'Oh, shit mum, I don't know, I suppose I'll have some Coco Pops.'

WHACK!! He flew out of his chair, tumbled across the kitchen floor, got up
and ran upstairs crying his eyes out.

She looked at the 4 year old and asked with a stern voice,' And what do YOU
want for breakfast, young man?'

'I don't know,' he blubbers, 'but it won't be fucking Coco Pops!'

Life in the Australian Army....

Text of a letter from a kid from Eromanga to Mum and Dad.

(For Those of you not in the know, Eromanga is a smalltown, west of
Quilpie in the far south west of Queensland)

Dear Mum & Dad,

I am well. Hope youse are too. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that
the Army is better than workin' on the farm - tell them to get in bloody
quick smart before the jobs are all gone! I wuz a bit slow in settling
down at first, because ya don't hafta get outta bed until 6am.
But I like sleeping in now, cuz all yagotta do before brekky is make ya
bed and shine ya boots and clean ya uniform. No bloody cows to milk, no
calves to feed, no feed to stack - nothin'!! Ya haz gotta shower though,
but its not so bad, coz there's lotsa hot water and even a light to see
what ya doing!
At brekky ya get cereal, fruit and eggs but there's no kangaroo steaks or
possum stew like wot Mum makes. You don't get fed again until noon
and by that time all the city boys are buggered because we've been on
a 'route march' - geez its only just like walking to the windmill in the
back paddock!!
This one will kill me brothers Doug and Phil with laughter. I keep getting
medals for shootin' - dunno why. The bullseye is as big as a bloody
possum's bum and it don't move and it's not firing back at ya like the
Johnsons did when our big scrubber bull got into their prize cows before
the Ekka last year! All ya gotta do is make yourself comfortable and
hit the target - it's a piece of piss!! You don't even load your own
cartridges they comes in little boxes and ya don't have to steady yourself
against the rollbar of the roo shooting truck when you reload!
Sometimes ya gotta wrestle with the city boys and I gotta be real careful
coz they break easy - it's not like fighting with Doug and Phil and Jack
and Boori and Steve and Muzza all at once like we do at home after the
muster.

Turns out I'm not a bad boxer either and it looks like I'm the best the
platoon's got, and I've only been beaten by this one bloke from the
Engineers - he's 6 foot 5 and 15 stone and three pick handles across
the shoulders and as ya know I'm only 5 foot 7 and eight stone wringin'
wet, but I fought him till the other blokes carried me off to the boozer.
I can't complain about the Army - tell the boys to get in quick before
word gets around how bloody good it is.

Your loving daughter,

Shiela

Piczo