SADMEN

The world of strange but true things department has come up trumps again with these strange but true facts and figures. How about this for starters,

The names of Popeye’s four nephews are Pipeye, Peepeye, Pupeye and Poopeye, (now if I was Popeye’s brother I would think there was a rabbit away wouldn’t you?)

The Nobel Peace Prize medal depicts three naked men with their hands on each other’s………….shoulders

Until the nineteenth century solid blocks of tea were used as money in Siberia. (But what did they use to buy them with?)

Most lipstick contains fish scales. (so all female lips smell of fish then?)

A male Giraffe has the ability to clean out his ears with his tongue. (and I’m led to believe he is very popular with the lady Giraffes)

Over 2500 left-handed people are killed each year from using products made for right-handed people.

You were born with 300 bones, but when you get to be an adult, you only have 206. (no wonder I’m getting smaller)

And finally this from our American correspondent, Its against the law to belch or sneeze in a certain church in Omaha Nebraska. (Farting aloud in church must be ok then)

The liquid inside young coconuts
can be used as a substitute for
Blood plasma.

No piece of paper can be folded in half
more than seven (7) times.

Donkeys kill more people annually
than plane crashes.

You burn more calories sleeping
than you do watching television.

Oak trees do not produce acorns
until they are fifty (50) years of age or older.

The first product to have a bar code
was Wrigley 's gum.

The King of Hearts is the only king without a moustache
Venus is the only planet that rotates clockwise.
(Since Venus is normally associated with women,
what does this tell you!)
Apples, not caffeine,
are more efficient at waking you up in the morning.

Most dust particles in your house are made from
DEAD SKIN!

The first owner of the Marlboro Company
died of lung cancer.
So did the first ' Marlboro Man. '

PEARLS MELT
IN VINEGAR!
The three most valuable brand names on earth:
Marlboro, Coca Cola, and Budweiser, in that order.

It is possible to lead a cow upstairs...
but, not downstairs.
A duck's quack doesn't echo,
and no one knows why.

Dentists have recommended that a toothbrush
be kept at least six (6) feet away from
a toilet to avoid airborne particles
resulting from the flush.
(I keep my toothbrush in the living room now!)

And the best for last.....
Turtles can breathe through their butts.

And so to the Darwin Awards for this edition, you know, the awards for the people who improve our gene pool by removing themselves from it in really stupid ways.

(1998, Paderborn, Germany) Overzealous zookeeper Friedrich Riesfeldt fed his constipated elephant, Stephan, 22 doses of animal laxatives and more than a bushel of berries, figs and prunes before the plugged up pachyderm finally let fly……and suffocated the keeper under 200 pounds of elephant shit!
Investigators say ill fated Friedrich, 46, was attempting to give the ailing elephant an olive oil enema (how big is the tube for that then???) when the relieved beast unloaded on him like a dump truck full of mud.
“The sheer force of the elephant’s unexpected defecation knocked Mr. Riesfeldt to the ground, where he struck his head on a rock and lay unconscious as the elephant continued to evacuate his bowels on top of him,” said flabbergasted Paderborn police detective Erik Dern. “With no one there to help him, he lay under all that dung for at least an hour before a watchman came along, and during that time he suffocated. It seems to be just one of those freak accidents”………….
(I have no words of wit to add, the story speaks for itself)

There is a report doing the rounds published by Keele University, which says that music can change your mood, especially if you are feeling a bit stressed out and emotionally flat.
Following a survey of 10,000 people the ABBA hit, Mamma Mia was voted the tune most likely to pick you up a bit. Others were, Angels by Robbie Williams, the classic Brown Eyed Girl by Van Morrison and Every Little Thing She Does Is Magic by the Police. So if music can affect your health and well being (I can feel another minor obsession coming on here) then surely anything by Dr. Feelgood or the Cure might prove to be healthy too. This set me to thinking, so here it is pop pickers (god I’m showing my age now) this weeks Hospital Radio top 10.

At number 10, no movement from last week it’s SNEEZY LOVER from ILL COLLINS

At 9 this week up 3 places from 12 it’s DEEP PURPLE VEIN THROMBOSIS with STROKE ON THE WATER

This week’s number 8 finally falling from the top and on its way down, its last week’s number 1 ROBERT TRANS-PLANT and (STANNAH) STAIRWAY TO HEAVEN

A new entry at this week’s 7 it’s NOW THAT’S WHAT I CALL HIP OP by VARICOSE ARTISTS

At 6, CARLY SIMON and YOUR SO VEINY

Another non mover at 5 its ITCHYPOO PARK by THE SMALL FAECES

At 4, this week’s highest new entry, it just has to be, BRING YOUR AORTA TO THE SLAUGHTER by IRON LUNG

Into the top 3, down from last week’s 2, THE COASTERS with CARDIACKITY YAK

This week’s top 2, at 2, up from last week’s number 13 BILLY RAY VIRUS and ACHY BREAKY HEART

And this week’s number 1 up from last weeks 2 its CYSTS ARE DOING IT FOR THEMSELVES by URETHRA FRANKLIN
That’s all for this week pop pickers, Stay bright! All right!

SOME INTERESTING AND ENLIGHTENING FACTS

If you yelled constantly for 8 years 7months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee…
(Hardly seems worth it, surely boiling the kettle would be quicker)

If you farted constantly for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb…
(Now that’s more like it)

A pig’s orgasm lasts for 30 minutes
(In my next life I want to be a pig! Ok ok that’s enough of that ladies!!!)

A flea can jump 350 times its body length, that’s like a human jumping the length of a football field.
(30 minutes… can you imagine??)

The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.
(What can be so tasty on the bottom of a pond??)

Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
(I still want to be a pig in my next life… quality over quantity)

Butterflies taste with their feet
(Something I always wanted to know)

The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
(Hmmmmmmmmm…)

Elephants are the only animals that can’t jump.
(OK so that would be a good thing…)

An ostrich’s eye is bigger than its brain.
(I know some people like that)

Starfish have no brains.
(I know some people like that too…)

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
(And what about pigs?)

AND ANOTHER THING
The burning question that is going around at the moment is: “What would Jesus drive?”
Now the argument is that if He were still among us on this mortal coil such a kind and caring soul wouldn’t be lumbering around in a petrol guzzling, four-wheel drive planet Hoover, O.K. so what would Jesus drive then?
Well I’ve had a trawl through the Bible and surprisingly enough there are lots of references to cars and bikes in there.
One passage tells us that “the roar of Moses’ Triumph is heard in the hills” I quite fancy the idea of old Moses knocking about on an old Bonneville. Certainly the legendary unreliability of this bike could account for his burning bush. Anyway he was almost certainly drowned out by Joshua whose “Triumph was heard throughout the land”, he had probably rejetted the carbs and put some open pipes on it!
According to Mark 6:25 the head of John the Baptist was brought to King Herod in a Charger, probably a Dodge Charger, it figures that Herods’ henchmen would go around in a 7 litre muscle car just like in the movie Bullitt.
More strangely though, it says that “God drove Adam and Eve from the Garden of Eden in a Fury”.
That I presume is a Plymouth Fury another monstrous muscle car used by virtually every police department in America and interestingly, driven by the devil himself in the cult movie Christine.
Strangely it seems that the main Bible characters all drove around in Hondas. John says, at one point “For I did not speak of my own Accord” while in Acts 5:12 we find that “The apostles were in one Accord.”
What? All 12 of them? That can’t have been very comfortable.
So as far as Jesus goes it would be nice to think that he got around in a nice environmentally friendly Toyota Prius or on a little 125 scooter but remember, He was a carpenter by trade. So He would have needed room for all of his tools and ladders and stuff.
This leads us to the conclusion that, Jesus must have had a Ford Transit. Q.E.D.

SOME STRANGE STUFF

Those of you who live in towns or villages with fairly mundane names, you know, places as mundane and ordinary as Ferryhill, Trimdon, or even double barrelled places like Bishop Middleham, Bishop Auckland or Shotton-dry-Docks should all thank your lucky stars because you could just as easily have lived somewhere with a very strange name indeed, somewhere perhaps like Shitlingthorpe which is in West Yorkshire or had your parents been Italiano then you may have been brought up in Arsoli near to Lazio in Italy.
Now those who know me will by now have recognised the beginnings of a minor obsession in all of this, so how would you like to live in these places? and I can assure you that they are all real places.
If you ever move to Yemen then you just have to buy a house in Fukum, just think of the fun you could have making up your own address or even better, if the British Prime Minister and his wife moved there you could write to them as follows…………………..
Mr. And Mrs. Blair
FUKUM
There are lots of strangely named places all over the world, here are just a few.
There is a TWATT in Orkney, a BASTARD in Norway. LORD BERKLEY’S KNOB is in Scotland (nobody seems to know where the rest of Lord Berkley is). There’s WANKS RIVER in Nicaragua which obviously flows into WILFORD CUM LAKE (featured in the last issue).
There’s the place where most blokes I know would like to live, SHAG ISLAND (Indian Ocean) or maybe they would rather live in WET BEAVER CREEK (Australia), though there are some I know would rather be found UPPER PENGUIN (Australia)
There’s that little known mining town in Zimbabwe, WANKIE COLLIERY, though God alone knows what they mine there!!!
Wherever you live just be thankful you don’t live anywhere near BLACK CHARLIES OPENING (Tasmania) it may not be the arsehole of the universe…. or maybe it is.

MORE FROM THE DARWIN AWARDS
This one needs a bit of an introduction, so you won’t be lost at the beginning. This bloke was in an accident at work, so he filled in his insurance claim form. The insurance company wrote back to him asking for more information. This was his reply.
“I am writing in response to your request for additional information, for block number 3 of the accident reporting form. I put ’poor planning’ as the cause of my accident. You said in your letter that I should explain more fully and I trust the following detail will be sufficient.”
I am an amateur radio operator and on the day of the accident, I was working alone on the top section of my new 80-foot tower. When I had completed my work, I discovered that I had, over the course of several trips up the tower, brought up about 300 pounds of tools and equipment. Rather than carry the now unneeded tools and equipment down by hand, I decided to lower the items down in a small barrel by using a pulley attached to the gin pole at the top of the tower. Securing the rope at ground level I went to the top of the tower and loaded the tools and equipment into the barrel. Then I went back to the ground and untied the rope, holding it tightly to ensure a slow decent of the 300 pounds of tools.”
“You will note in block number 11 of the accident reporting form that I weigh only 155 pounds. Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rather rapid rate of speed up the side of the tower. In the vicinity of the 40-foot level, I met the barrel coming down. This explains my fractured skull and broken collarbone. Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley. Fortunately, by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold onto the rope in spite of my pain. At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of tools etc. hit the ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel.”
“ Devoid of the weight of the tools etc., the barrel now weighed approximately 20 pounds. I refer you once again to my weight as described in block number 11. As you might imagine, I began a rapid descent down the side of the tower. In the vicinity of the 40-foot level, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles, and the lacerations of my legs and lower body. The encounter with the barrel slowed me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell onto the pile of tools and, fortunately, only three vertebrae were cracked. I am sorry to report, however, that as I lay there on the tools, in pain, unable to stand and watching the empty barrel 80 feet above me, I again lost my presence of mind. I let go of the rope….”

No Darwin Award this time, but surely there has to be one for this bloke at some point in the future!!!

AND FINALLY? (FOR THE MOMENT!)

We don’t have to be anywhere special or celebrating anything, it seems to me that the members of this club just revel in each other’s company and celebrate life on a daily basis. You don’t even have to be surrounded by all of the other SADMEN to have a good time, just put two of us in a field somewhere and you can guarantee that it will be a laugh a minute.
It feels really good to have such a large and happy family, safe in the knowledge that there will always be someone there to help you out of a tight spot, cheer you up when you are feeling a bit down or someone to just hang out with when you are feeling a bit lonely.
We all have to deal with whatever life decides to throw at us but those trials and tribulations are eased by being a SADMAN and I for one am really proud of my fellow SADMEN and of this club.

Piczo